Dear friends,
As I have spent a hell lot of time and mental energy on spiritual reading, reflection and experimentation, I think, I should express my understanding on this important issue of “brahmacharya and marriage” for the mutual benefit of myself and readers who are most welcome to give their comments.
There are 4 categories of people in this respect.
CATEGORY 1. People with desire for marriage, but no desire for lifelong celibacy even in a married life
CATEGORY 2. People with strong aversion to marriage since beginning and having the inborn capacity for lifelong celibacy
CATEGORY 3. People with strong aversion to marriage since beginning, but without the inborn capacity for lifelong celibacy
CATEGORY 4. People with desire for marriage as well as desire for lifelong celibacy even in a married life
Nothing much needs to be said about “category 1 – People with desire for marriage, but no desire for lifelong celibacy even in a married life” as they are present left and right, front and behind, everywhere like air in this world. The whole atmosphere on Earth is pervaded by these people. For them, sensual pleasures are too important and obviously great and words like meditation, Self-bliss, celibacy, etc. are quite distasteful and weird mumbo-jumbo. May Maya show some mercy on them and let in few rays of spiritual light in their lives – with this prayer, let us move to other 3 categories.
Now, “category 2 – People with strong aversion to marriage since beginning and having the inborn capacity for lifelong celibacy” people are special people like Swami Vivekananda, Sant Jnaneshwar, etc. and most of us are much below their spiritual level. They have a specific social mission to work upon and are too spiritually evolved to desire spouse and children. Since they are absolutely devoted to their mission, they have some aversion for marriage simultaneously as marriage entails diversion of a non-trivial amount of our time, energy and attention which these greats can ill-afford due to their matchless devotion to the cause. Unfortunately, I do not belong to this category in this life (probably, If I get born again, I will be in this category).
Next is “category 3 – People with strong aversion to marriage since beginning, but without the inborn capacity for lifelong celibacy”. I definitely belong to this category. These people develop a strong aversion to marriage to one or more of below reasons:
1. Dysfunctional family background which developed the distaste for a married life in them.
2. Strong influence of some bachelor role-model. In my case, it was the strong influence of Bhagat Singh, Chandrashekhar Azad and other martyrs of freedom struggle who made me take the decision of lifelong bachelorhood in class 2-3 itself – I had no clue that time about MAYA and its power to tempt and delude.
3. Strong influence of some great ideal or vision. Such ideal or vision may be desire for absolute independence, love for humanity, etc.
Now, these people do not have a natural capacity for lifelong celibacy as they are not spiritually very evolved. But, those with a really strong determination will develop the capacity through sincere effort and struggle and stick to their resolve whereas those with a weak level of determination will give up and violate the resolve of lifelong celibacy in a bachelor life. I have already given full details on “Greatly inspiring brahmacharya quotes” article on how to develop the capacity for lifelong celibacy for all those readers who are determined enough for lifelong celibacy in a bachelor life.
Coming to “category 4 – People with desire for marriage as well as desire for lifelong celibacy even in a married life” people, they usually possess one or more of below characteristics:
1. They were good-hearted to begin with, but got the fire ignited fully at a later phase of life like teenage or 20s. Since the fire ignited a bit late in them, the desire for marriage had got developed strongly enough by then.
2. They got very loving parents and their parents always expected them to lead a married life. So, they never thought of a bachelor life.
3. They learnt fully about the importance of celibacy a bit late like after already getting married.
4. They had a strong curiosity to have some taste of brahmacharya-unfriendly deed to see how it feels.
5. They believed that begetting children is an important duty towards parents or society or both.
Whatever brahmacharya insights I have put on this blog are important for both category 3 and 4 people because lifelong celibacy is not trivial whether one wants to follow it in a bachelor life or a married life. Full details on brahmacharya techniques are already given in “Greatly inspiring brahmacharya quotes” article. I can sum up those techniques using below 2 approaches:
1. Brahmacharya sadhana every day. We all need to follow “Wake up by 4 am” routine every day and spend 1-2 hr in pure meditation (not including asana and pranayama) in brahmamuhurta every day. Only then sushumna will awaken and prana will move towards higher centres (away from the lower centre of lust [mooladhara], fear [swadhistana] and pride[manipura])
2. Rat technique – be timid like a rat in at least first 12 years of lifelong brahmacharya practice. Rat is very timid. It never stares us in our eyes. Just a little noise and the rat rapidly runs away from us unlike dogs, monkeys and even cats who many times growl back at us with flares of anger in their eyes. Since brahmacharya is not trivial, we need to be timid like a rat and avoid all brahmacharya-unfriendly situations completely for at least first 12 years of lifelong brahmacharya practice. There is a proverb in Bengal, “The brave falters, the timid succeeds” regarding brahmacharya practice which clearly shows that showing lion-heartedness before Mahamaya (cosmic illusion) is a recipe for spiritual self-destruction. Trying to fight the currents of millions of years of natural evolution, through which human body has evolved, using our will-power shows a total lack of understanding. Will-power should surely be used as an aid (even moving our hand a bit requires will-power: will-power is needed for every minor or major effort) but full protection is assured only through rat technique for spiritual beginners like us.
There is nothing to feel ashamed of rat technique. Even greats like Gandhiji followed it. Gandhiji realized in his 30s that he was not able to practise unbroken brahmacharya despite all his efforts. He found that private meetings with his wife Kasturba were leading to brahmacharya-unfriendly deed. So, he followed the rat technique and decided that he will meet Kasturba only in public like in wide open room or outside or when children or others were present. Once he started following rat technique, he was able to maintain celibacy thereafter since the age of 37.
Instances of lion technique failing miserably and rat technique working wonderfully are too many. Sage Vishwamitra failed when he met his nemesis, nymph Menaka. If only he would have followed rat technique and kept 2-3 brahmacharya-protector dogs with him during his sadhana phase to chase away all temptresses with their fierce bark and assault, no Menaka would have been able to destroy his penance. But, alas! Only after failing once and thereby giving an eternal opportunity to all worldly people to taunt struggling spiritual aspirants, Sage Vishwamitra understood the importance of rat technique. Let us be wiser and understand it now itself.
Ramakrishna Paramahansa as well as Swami Sivananda suggested married people to sleep alone and not with spouse on the same bed. Ramakrishna even went to the extent of suggesting his householder disciples to avoid touching their spouse even in a playful, but non-lustful way as it will bring strong lust in mind – it is a harsh truth that males are very easily excitable in matters of lust. He scolded his householder disciple, Mahendranath Gupta, (also known as Master Mahashaya in Yogananda’s book “The autobiography of a yogi”) when he had a son. Mahendranath Gupta eventually started living in a separate building on rent since late 20s, away from his spouse and children whom he used to visit only in the day time for genuine family works. Thus, Mahendranath Gupta also followed rat technique as suggested by our great sages and he eventually became enlightened – so, rat technique does work wonderfully.
Having given enough examples to prove that following rat technique shows our spiritual maturity and high intelligence and leads to spiritual success in following lifelong celibacy, let me point out one remarkable thing regarding lifelong celibacy. It seems that lifelong celibacy should be begun in 20s or at the most early 30s to gain full power ascribed to lifelong celibates.
Swami Sivananda writes in his celebrated work “Brahmacharya”: “There is another sect called “Dhiryaretas”, or those persons, who, previously a prey to lustful thoughts and deviated from Brahmacharya, later take to the practice of strict celibacy. Such a person, if he practices strict celibacy for twelve years, can acquire superhuman powers. Medha Nadi or Buddhi Nadi is formed in him. By means of this, he can have retentive memory of anything as long as he lives, and he will be in a position to learn all kinds of subjects.By observance of unbroken Brahmacharya in thought, word and deed for a period of full twelve years, one is bestowed even with the vision of God, if one aspires for it. He can solve the most abstruse and complicated problems easily. But, this kind of observance should commence before the thirty-second or the thirty-fourth year.”
This clearly shows that at least, one should take to the practice of lifelong celibacy after the age of 32 (before 34 means after 32). So, one should be finished with having kids (not more than 2, plz!) and sensual enjoyment (in case, some curiosity is present) by 32 at max. Thus, marrying too late is not good for spiritual aspirants. Mid-20s (the age of 26-27 but definitely first 25 years is not right for married life as it is brahmacharya ashrama phase as per our sages) is the best time to get into married life for whatever personal, family or social reasons, one is interested in marriage.
But, what if one has already crossed the age of 32! I genuinely believe that such a person would not get Self-Realization on his/her own even after practising lifelong celibacy, but it is definitely possible with the combined effect of lifelong celibacy plus grace of a living, Self-Realized Guru as can be seen in the example of some householder disciples of Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa like Girish Chandra Ghosh who was headlong into lust even in 30s, but recovered late, still got Self-Realized due to grace of his Guru. This also explains why a criminal like Angulimal (a murderer who later became disciple of Buddha) who recovered in 20s itself became Self-Realized, whereas someone like Gandhiji who recovered after the age of 36, missed the boat! It was all due to what Swami Sivananda has mentioned as “32 year deadline” to begin lifelong celibacy.
Practising lifelong celibacy after 29 or 30 is amazing because we have the example of Buddha (who started at 29) and Mahavira (who started at 30) to continuously inspire us. It will boost our confidence a lot because we are emulating giants like Buddha and Mahavira. (After 29 means: if someone is born at 1 Jan, 2000 then he will be in “at or after 29” phase after 1 Jan, 2029.)
Now, only one question is left to discuss – what if one wants to practise celibacy and spouse does want? I think, practising celibacy is such an important spiritual decision that one cannot give it up because of spouse. One should try to gently persuade the spouse, but if he/she is adamant, one should allow him/her to use other channels or persons for these things while not breaking celibacy oneself. This approach may sound harsh and even immoral but breaking celibacy whole life is not the moral duty of a husband or wife. It is spouse’s problem if he/she is not able to practise celibacy – why should one destroy one’s spiritual life for spouse’s weakness? But, to be honest – I think, using “brahmamuhurta sadhana” plus “rat technique – be timid like a rat”, even weak-minded people can reach the level of lifelong celibacy.
Gandhiji’s quotes in this regard are remarkably clear and sharp: “To the Newly-Married. I tender this advice even to the newly married. It is easier not to do a thing at all than to cease doing it, even as it is easier for a life abstainer to remain teetotaler than for a drunkard or even a temperate man to abstain. To remain erect is infinitely easier than to rise from a fall. It is wrong to say that continence can be safely preached only to the satiated. There is hardly any meaning, either, in preaching continence to an enfeebled person. May I point out to parents that they ought not to fall into the argumentative trap of the rights of partners? Consent is required for indulgence, never for restraint; this is an obvious truth.”
I have expressed various insights on the subject matter of “brahmacharya and marriage” in this article. I hope it was helpful. Feel free to offer your comments below.
Thanks,
Gopal